General Musings

I can't say i've had a fantastic day. the pressure is mounting and it's officially like 9 days till my first exam and i have done absolutely nothing save saying that i've done absolutely nothing and still not do anything about it.

I have resolved that that should change. purchased a nice black ball point pen today and the ink just flows unbelievably smoothly. am now encouraged to write notes so that can only be a good thing.

my only highlight of the day was my hour of Ally. i made a nice stir fry dinner..the most effort i've put into any of my meals for a long time, and snuggled up in my chair for my hour of Ally. and it was such a good episode. Ally and John were getting birthday blues..what she calls pre-birthday attacks of an immense sense of underachievement. that's exactly how i'm feeling right now even though it isn't 2 months till my birthday. today's case in court was about how this man's wife died of a cardiac attack and because he couldn't bring himself to let her go, he sawed off her hand as a little 'momento' of her. i know it sounds bizarre but sometimes, as Ally argues, people do stupid things in the name of love that has no explanation, and deserves no explanation. her case was made solely on the fact that at some level, we all wish to experience that kind of madness. and when that madness takes its form in such a morbid fashion such as the act of sawing off a hand, we close our eyes to it and denounce it as a crime... when in a twisted way, we envy the people who have had that kind of love that reaches the depths of this insanity.


and then, of course, Nell gave John a little birthday surprise by inviting Barry White perform at the office bar. for Ally fans, you know how Ally has a theme song (Tell Him) like John has one sung by Barry White. Well, that little theme started playing and it has got this sort of rhythmic upbeat attraction about it that makes you want to start bobbing your head or do a little dance of your own. I always thought it'd be really cool if our lives could have soundtracks just like films always do. how great would it be if everytime we felt like it, we could really hear a tune surrounding us. sure we do hear those stuff in our heads(surely it's not just me?), but if it was physically playing in the diegesis of our world, how much more wonderful life could be. anyway, Barry White starts crooning Love Hurts and John gets up to do his little birthday dance with his usual quirky eccentric gestures. and the rest of the characters get up to join in and they start dancing a synchronised number... it was such a delight to watch. it reminded me of the days when i was but 14 or 15 and used to watch Ally (my mum often disapproved). Everytime they had those end-of-episode-moments on Ally where they get up to do a dance, i find myself inevitably having a smile on my face.... and in those days, i always felt as if i had to get out of my life back home and go somewhere where i can do just that without being branded weird.

i am afraid my claustrophobia has grown larger than i expected it have been and has pervaded many aspects of my life. sometimes i wonder is it because i'm aware that i'm slightly clastrophobic, that i become really claustrophobic; or if i was already in that condition right from the start. i dont think it is, however. very much of who we are is conditioned mostly from how we were brought up and the nature of our environment... you might be thinking this doesn't really quite link up to what i was saying previously. but thought patterns are inherently weird and random. i dont know quite what was the biggest factor back home that caused my social claustrophobia, but it did happen. i can name you a few reasons why but it is such an irony. being claustrophobic around people who are like you is just... stupid. how can you be afraid of something that you are part of?

anyway, enough said. that discourse is one i think i'll need more energy than what i have now to pursue. it's past 1am and i'm tired, even though i haven't really done much. i enjoyed my hour of telly... it cheered me up somewhat to see John's delight at White's appearance. and thinking about how White unfortunately had passed on while i was holidaying in newquay last summer just ended the whole episode wistfully. it's strange how the dimensions of things you've watched or experienced before changes so much with a second viewing many years later in the light of how things/people have changed. sometimes i think my affection for this series is not so much due to its brilliance (a arguable point i know) but because it reminds me so much of a time in my life that watching it again now seems to me, to be reliving those moments. It's amazing how different we now think about those same things we used to ponder when we were young. And how time and age changes opinions so effectively. No wonder there's a saying that goes he who knows nothing, is the wisest. sometimes by acknowledging that we dont know very much at all, can we only begin to fanthom the enigmas that surround us.