I survived

There is no sweeter word for it.

I actually survived.

Been doing this for the last two and half years... horrid all-nighters that start too late, agonising the whole night through in a battle of convoluted thoughts and words.

And despite saying that I would never go through essay hell again, and that I'd start early the next time, I always end up starting as late as I ever did anyway.

But last night was a turning point - it was officially the worst (essay-related) night I have ever had in my entire life. I was starting to make random noises to myself while staring blankly at my computer screen, willing in my mind for 5,000 brilliant words to appear, when my fingers refused to articulate accurately the swirling mass of thoughts in my head. I reckon between 0330 hours and 0800 hours of an all-nighter exercise is the worst period of the whole thing. I sat in front of my computer at 7am in the morning almost crying to myself - and then I thought, fuck it i'm not going to torture myself, I'm just going to give up.
But I have never given up any essay before - and it will be unimaginable to begin now.
So after getting some comfort food, I sat back down and convinced myself that I could do it.
And I did.
(although I was very late.)
The tiredness I have now doesn't have a name...
Remind me again: never leave things to the last minute.
Especially not 5000 word ones again. (3000 is still manageable)
I shall not be deluded again that it is possible to do that in one night without killing oneself.

To bed... and then, another 5000 word race to brace myself for next week.
Fun.