I wish

I am beginning to see a pattern...
it seems like only when things start to go wrong that I find time to blog.

I wish I could find more time to write. even at times when I'm the busiest and happiest...
for if not, wouldn't all written memories be sad?

Carol Shields said that a writer who writes happy endings will never be taken seriously...

to me, that makes so much sense at this moment.

I wish.. and I need, to change a few things:

1. To stop imposing self-censorship when writing - I always get torn between which blogs to write in whenever I actually do find that time to write anything. Sometimes I have too much to say I don't even start. Sometimes I intend on saying something which I don't in the end.

2. To need to find more time to write.. especially when I'm happier. (notice the extended periods of the absence of posts in between.. that is usually such a time)

3. To start my revision - I have wasted far too much time. and I have got less than two weeks till my first exam. And shit loads to catch up on. I don't know what the fuck I am waiting for.

4. To stay focused - someone said to me today that he hopes i'll get a 2.1 instead of a 1st because I don't deserve it. I was, needless to say, extremely outraged. the rationale behind such a claim was that I play too much and don't do enough work. But aren't those who play as much as they want, take less time for work, but still does well enough to get where they want... the ones that are better off and having the last laugh in the end?
I'm going to get my first and make him eat his words.

5. To let go of my essay - I had a major essay crisis for the very last piece of assessed writing I had to given in on tuesday. 5,000 words and I overshot. When at 4am, I only had less than a thousand words to go on. I remember at 0345 hours, I was staring at my screen, close to tears at the butchered state of my essay which no longer made any sense to me, didn't have any organisation and was very far from the standard it was supposed to be. my eyes were doing that whole blurring thing again..where everything fused in a kind of white blindness everytime I blinked for a second. at 0555 hours, I suddenly hit a jackpot rush.. I forced everything to make sense..typed so much I actually exceeded the word count I thought I would struggle to hit. It was academic fervour...I don't know if it's absolute genius or pretentious shit. I read my essay afterwards and spotted so many typing errors in the essay which I sadly didn't have any time to proof read because I literally made it just 5 minutes past the deadline. I don't have the luxury of slack departments or extended extensions. But it still bugs me that in my conclusion I put an 'a' in the middle of a sentence where there shouldn't be one.

6. To watch more Edward Norton films - I watched Fight Club tonight and it was absolute filmic brilliance. I forgot how good that film could be. had to stop myself from uttering sounds of desire everytime Norton came on. He was so..... I shall stop there. (you can insert as many adjectives as you want in that blank, as long as it's along the lines of anything good) Oh, did I mention Brad was in the film too?

7. To send my reply to my MA course - been sitting on it far too long.

I have been in the lethargic mode since Tuesday... it feels for me like I've reached the end of my academic run when I've handed the essay in. I have to keep reminding myself it's not over yet.

Ascension mass today. I was far too distracted. I played not even feeling I was playing. My fingers moved but I wasn't thinking. I ended on a G chord instead of a E minor. I haven't done that in a very long time.

Life is too simple sometimes. I wonder if anyone knows what's going on beneath the exterior of living.

Agency. My Life. Needs.
Don't think it's all about you...It's the paradox of the soul.

It's only when you lose everything... that you're able to be free.