Standstill

Before I went clubbing last night, I had to change several tops before settling on a tube because I was getting slightly too fat for all the rest of them. For some reason, there was a lot of squeezing in and out of clothes which I haven't experienced much before ... it was all rather depressing.

I find my lack of stamina for such nights out very unbecoming of me. Maybe I'm growing old, or just plain bored. Or just tired, from work. Which can be very frustrating due to the dynamics of hierachies. sigh. but it's all over and done with. Time to move on to a feature which thankfully is something much more interesting...

I have recently got news that I am to find work over the Christmas and Easter break which is part of my course.. it seems like I can't escape work for long. Time here now seems to be at a standstill - not that it's going slowly - but more like it feels like a passing, a transition to something else that I'm waiting to happen. It's been such a reality check meantime, thinking about property, loan rates, life and the usual shit... If I could be a student forever, I would. On the bright side, I might be working at The Guardian quite soon. Lucky me! It is probably my favourite paper - language and style-wise. Let's hope things work out...

I feel like I have to say something profound, since I was having all those thoughts awhile ago. But now I'm too tired to say it. Plus every post doesn't have to be profound right!

I want to post some of my graduation photos but I can't. And I also realised that on Mozilla browsers, my blog looks so out of proportion. So please don't use Mozilla until I've sorted it out!

What?

I've maxed out.

Can't write anymore even if you were squeezing blood out of me.

There's something depressing writing in a corner of an empty newsroom... everyone has left. evidently in a holiday mood.

For the first time in a very long time, I heard someone in the background say 'Happy National Day!' I don't think I've heard that since primary school.

Also finally heard our National Day song - it is indeed as terrible as they say. But it is a bad habit of the media to criticise indulgently. As the saying goes, go do it yourself if you think you can do better. I suddenly have a horrifying image of mass of critics standing together trying to croak a tune, jumping around in one red and white area, as in the MTV of the extremely cheesy new national
song.

I'm a national day parade virgin. I know many are not. I don't know if I should be proud to be one. I'm not a patriot. But I heard that even the staunchest neutral party would have their heart-strings tugged at this national event - which is probably the only time people like me might vaguely feel patriotic. It's a strange one that I'm so much more patriotic when I'm abroad then when I'm here. One of those strange life ironies.

I put three half-hour parking coupons on display in the car today, separated by half-hour each. I know it's strange but I didn't have any one-hour coupons with me.

I think it's time I found out if I got away with it. *crosses fingers*

And so the summer goes on...

I'm feeling my first signs of stress.

I've started doing that stupid thing where I send my half-done/almost-done stories to my own email account at the end of the day at work, so that I could polish it up while I was at home.

That very seldom happens, of course.

But it's like I'm trying to delude myself into thinking I might actually work while I'm at home. Or it makes me feel better knowing I have the copy with me in case I want to do work.

Went out to party last night because it's A's last week here and felt so sad that I don't know when I'll see her next again. It might be a few years, might be less.

I only realised how much I missed my best friends last night... the extent of that comfortability, closeness, intimacy and friendship.. I haven't really felt in a long time.

I'm gonna end now before I get stupidly nostalgic and emotional about people I love. But if you're reading this, and you happen to be one of them....

(I do love you.)

Birthday Blues

As you get older, birthdays get lonelier.


As much as I dislike adhering to mediocre conventions... the birthday blog is something I can't escape from.


I can't believe it has been one year since I last wrote about the big 2-1 last year. How I went through such a trumatic time last summer... all the doubts, tears, fears, regrets. To think at that time I couldn't imagine getting through it all, yet here I am, one year later on the exact same day, contemplating a whole year's worth of events, thoughts and memories that have happened ever since then.


In that year, x, y, and z happened. To think I discovered a side of me I never thought was there.

Such a roller-coaster of a year... all the parties, being high, drunk, stressed, happy, sad... seeing things like I've not seen it before.

And in comparison to that high.. my birthday seems like such a low. I don't know if it's just because it's lacking a particular presence... but people forget, there's less effort involved.. even z has been a bit disapppointing. But among all that, I've had a few surprises - voices from the past I've not heard from for a long long time and the trigger to memories my mind has taken delight in refreshing... It's by far... very contemplative.


On the bright side, i've learnt that you've always got your family to count on. sam wrote me such a sweet birthday card. mum organised a mini family party and a cake.. (and is buying me a powerbook and an ipod.) got a hug from shawn, wishes from jen and dad. all in all, i should be grateful.


i just wish i wasn't feeling quite so bizarre.. went to work and felt really tired.. almost fell asleep at the computer, had to go up and get coffee. made a nice friend in this colleague I never really talked to properly till today... he's quite an attractive bloke in a really unconventional way. like a nice hugable teddy bear. although not as huggable as some others.


Left with this air of contemplation that inevitably leads to a review of my whole life as it is... which is always a bad choice to start. I start assessing the good and bad of everything... whether I'm happy about where it's going and the what-nots.
Some fears plague me, some feelings re-assure me, I wonder if I've found it


questions questions... I remember I once said during birthdays I either fall really ill or have a really big crisis or both. Well, last year I had both. So I guess I'm lucky this year I'm not ill (if you don't count a scratchy throat, runny nose and ulcers) but I seem to be having this crisis thing.

I hate some things now and I want to go out there and do something naughty or liberating or both - just so I can prove to myself... whatever I need.

But it might be all stupidity in the end.
I love some people, but I will always love my family.


At the end of the day, they are the ones who will always remember your birthdays and will always be there for you.

It takes you twenty plus years for you to realise that...
and even then, it's still always a struggle in life to remember the things that you value the most, or should value the most.

So maybe I don't like birthdays that much. You expect something...anything, epiphany or not. and if it doesn't happen you feel shit. and even if something does happen, you're not quite sure how you're supposed to feel, if you're even supposed to feel anything.

Maybe birthdays should be banned.
Sigh.. I'm getting old.
But the world is still out there.


To end off, in the same vein as the boy who ate his homework,
Why did the girl eat her birthday?
Because it was a piece of cake.