Birthday Blues

As you get older, birthdays get lonelier.


As much as I dislike adhering to mediocre conventions... the birthday blog is something I can't escape from.


I can't believe it has been one year since I last wrote about the big 2-1 last year. How I went through such a trumatic time last summer... all the doubts, tears, fears, regrets. To think at that time I couldn't imagine getting through it all, yet here I am, one year later on the exact same day, contemplating a whole year's worth of events, thoughts and memories that have happened ever since then.


In that year, x, y, and z happened. To think I discovered a side of me I never thought was there.

Such a roller-coaster of a year... all the parties, being high, drunk, stressed, happy, sad... seeing things like I've not seen it before.

And in comparison to that high.. my birthday seems like such a low. I don't know if it's just because it's lacking a particular presence... but people forget, there's less effort involved.. even z has been a bit disapppointing. But among all that, I've had a few surprises - voices from the past I've not heard from for a long long time and the trigger to memories my mind has taken delight in refreshing... It's by far... very contemplative.


On the bright side, i've learnt that you've always got your family to count on. sam wrote me such a sweet birthday card. mum organised a mini family party and a cake.. (and is buying me a powerbook and an ipod.) got a hug from shawn, wishes from jen and dad. all in all, i should be grateful.


i just wish i wasn't feeling quite so bizarre.. went to work and felt really tired.. almost fell asleep at the computer, had to go up and get coffee. made a nice friend in this colleague I never really talked to properly till today... he's quite an attractive bloke in a really unconventional way. like a nice hugable teddy bear. although not as huggable as some others.


Left with this air of contemplation that inevitably leads to a review of my whole life as it is... which is always a bad choice to start. I start assessing the good and bad of everything... whether I'm happy about where it's going and the what-nots.
Some fears plague me, some feelings re-assure me, I wonder if I've found it


questions questions... I remember I once said during birthdays I either fall really ill or have a really big crisis or both. Well, last year I had both. So I guess I'm lucky this year I'm not ill (if you don't count a scratchy throat, runny nose and ulcers) but I seem to be having this crisis thing.

I hate some things now and I want to go out there and do something naughty or liberating or both - just so I can prove to myself... whatever I need.

But it might be all stupidity in the end.
I love some people, but I will always love my family.


At the end of the day, they are the ones who will always remember your birthdays and will always be there for you.

It takes you twenty plus years for you to realise that...
and even then, it's still always a struggle in life to remember the things that you value the most, or should value the most.

So maybe I don't like birthdays that much. You expect something...anything, epiphany or not. and if it doesn't happen you feel shit. and even if something does happen, you're not quite sure how you're supposed to feel, if you're even supposed to feel anything.

Maybe birthdays should be banned.
Sigh.. I'm getting old.
But the world is still out there.


To end off, in the same vein as the boy who ate his homework,
Why did the girl eat her birthday?
Because it was a piece of cake.