The God-honest truth..

It is probably quite ill-timed that I am starting this when I'm feeling extremely irked. But if you want to look at it in a different way, circumstances must have happened such that it has culminated in this and I'm extremely fed-up with the lack of mediums of which to express myself in and I need to start afresh, so start somewhere where I can decide exactly which direction I want it to go. Whom I want to be. In my realm of confusing complexities.

I'm in a funny mood today. Not sure if it's because I ate something funny. I swear the reduced-price chicken I bought at Sainsburys today was contaminated in some way, have been feeling quesy the whole night and that chicken was like a piece of rock. To think I smiled so sweetly to the guy behind the counter to get him to reduce the price for me... I can't believe they intended on selling that foul piece of food at full price!
Maybe it's because I got the last piece and the last piece is always the worst.

Anyway, back to my funny mood... it possibly is also due to the fact that I've been in my room the whole night, on my own. And despite my rantings about not having enough time to myself to do the things I like, the truth is I really don't like being alone.

I watched the Paris footage yesterday and planned this great short film in my head - but I can so tell that iMovie isn't gonna be that great or easy to use - I wish I could use the editing suites on campus for this, but firstly other people need to use it for more important things and secondly, I don't really want my private footage to be stored there.

And then the other night I took Gem out of her case and strummed her strings for sometime while probably embarrassing myself crooning to Des'ree's You Gotta Be in my room. It was liberating singing all that. I even broke down in tears after playing for sometime when my fingers gradually started playing out the chords to some worship songs I used to sing in school in the earlier days.

I really don't know how to articulate the faith I have. The belief I have that out there, God exists. I admit to myself he may not be in the mould of what the Catholic churches, or perhaps all institutionalized religious groups perceive or make him out to be. But I know he's out there. And I've felt him - physically and spiritually.

And I am so upset, because I can't share this profound feeling with probably the most imprortant person in my life. feel so positive sometimes, and about everything and about conquering all odds. And then at times, I feel so frustrated and helpless and I feel horrible that I might never get it into his head, how I feel about certain things and the hope I have, primarily in this world. I call myself a cynic, but on many levels, I'm still an eternal optimist.
Like I always used to say to a particular someone else, I'd rather be optimistically wrong than pessimistically right.
He always used to think the opposite, but even then, I didn't feel it was such a fight as I do now. Probably because he understood my faith.
I know I shouldn't give up, and I won't. The thing is, I've got to change my pattern of life and get more involved in spiritual things and then only when I'm strong enough, will I be able to take whatever the other tries to hurl my way to shake me up. I so much want him to see it, to experience it - only because I do love him so and I can't imagine not sharing an experience so deep within myself with him.

But he doesn't see that. And it is such a struggle. [insert exasperated noise here]

As always, there are good days and there are bad days.

I think I'm better with people - either that, or I've got to have a more conducive space to myself. My room aint exactly the answer. I've got too much shit surrounding me and I've still got to do my laundry.

There is mould or some sort of weird thing happening on my ceiling on the right side and that is pissing me off.

Right, so I need to re-vamp my life a little - I know tomorrow's going to be out of the question - a whole day of hectic-ness, trying to get the paper sorted, and then there's just another weekend.
I hate it that it seems like my weekends are slipping by when they are so precious.
I need to embrace life, damnit!

So I need a new mode of expression, I need to brush up my web design skills just so I can have a nicer look cyber-ly. I need to do more creative writing, sing more songs, write more songs, play the piano, play more guitar, learn my jazz chords, buy some paint, do a painting, edit my film, take more footage, buy more tapes, take more photographs, do more photoshop, write more, love more... the list is endless.

Maybe he is right in saying it bothers me that we have this amazing connection despite believing in such different things. I'm not sure if it's amazing or annoying. Probably both at different levels to different extents.

There's something I need to learn here... Oh God, help me.