Happy Chinese New Year

I remember those mornings when I was aroused from my sleep by distant noises of firecrackers and loud chinese songs playing in the not-so-far-off living room. As the sounds spiralled into my consciousness, I always slowly became acutely aware that all the racket was produced by one single cd which my loyal mother never failed to play on every Chinese New Year morning. She always believed in 'creating the atmosphere' - whether it was CNY, or christmas, or.... korean soap opera night.

Of course, on less lucky years, I would be rudely woken up by loud music singing 'gong xi fa cai' above background accompaniment of 'dong dong dong qiang' PLUS my mum creeping into my room only to hit me on the arse with a new year greeting along the lines of 'qi lai le!' I also remember, with fondness, how mum and I would go shopping for new year clothes a few weeks before and I'd wake up in the mornings with this anticpation and excitement of wearing new clothes that had previously been prohibited, awaiting the first day of the new year.

This year, however, I woke up - twice removed from my own bed - feeling slightly melancholy, strangely aware that these memories have not had a chance to renew itself in physicality for the last three years.

That loud ruckus that so characterised chinese celebrations - which simultaneously puts me off and endears me to it - is what is sorely lacking. I'm unsure I'd love it if I were surrounded by it, but I would like to think I'd have that option.

I don't regret it. But I do miss it.

I hadn't thought of it before, but this perhaps explains why I couldn't go to sleep last night - I stayed up most of the night battling movements in my stomach and churning past memories over and over again in my head. I fell at last into a restless sleep and I must have been tired because the next thing I knew, it was morning, and I opened my eyes in full awareness.
The feeling slowly grew stronger, crept over me and fully manifested itself when J left, I heard the door slam shut, and inexplicable tears threatened to spill itself at the rim of my eyes.

I felt so silly, and so strange. But I then realised what I was experiencing was the feeling of missing something... anything... that is and/or was once such an integral part of your life.

.....................

I did, however, try to simulate my own mini CNY's eve reunuion dinner at mine last night, with the house and couple of guests... and cooked a meal even my mum would have been proud of. I'm not a cooking person, I'd never willingly spend time in the kitchen. But when I do do it, I will bloody do it well. And I did.
It struck me then, that if I was willing to make the effort to dish up for my close friends, then why can't I do the same for my family?
Whenever I go home, I keep saying I should do something... but I never get down to it. It's probably due to having a maid, and enjoying the convenience and pampering I get at home, that stalls me from any serious effort.

I resolved to re-make my new year resolutions - Bec said last night it's unfair that we chinese get a second shot at our new year. R said she didn't even know I was chinese - she assumed my nationality was my race. that girl has funny concepts of race. After explanation, she somewhat concluded that I was like 'a bisexual of two cultures and races' - meaning being both english and chinese. And maybe so I am.

I have been re-thinking and contemplating the latest developments of my life of late - and relating it to the rest in context. I concluded I need to be less 'affected' by the world - it's one of the foremost Christian virtues that everyone takes for granted - but it's so much the key to happiness. Constant expectations and ambitions stand in conflict with some of the realities I am now facing. But if I proclaim not to judge, and remain open-minded, to be different - then practice it I shall. It is inevitable that everyone judges in some way or another...JW once said only by judging, can you determine your own values and what's important to you... I don't necessarily agree but I recognise the element of truth in its inevitability. The important thing is at least I try.

The crux of the whole matter is to achieve a balance. And with that in mind, it will be the one word philosophy I will seek to exercise in my life in this new year.

Happy Chinese New Year everyone.